


Yamcha & Ox-King Save The World!

by ekrolo2



Series: Save Trilogy!!! [1]
Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Bad Cooking, Cooking, F/M, Hilarity Ensues, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-05-25 05:10:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6181549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ekrolo2/pseuds/ekrolo2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a short but fierce battle with Beerus, Goku's severe injuries leave him powerless to save his home from the temperamental God of Destruction wrath. In his stead, two unlikely heroes must step up to save the Earth. The greatest chefs in the universe: Yamcha and the Ox-King! Battle of Gods AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He was so sure it would work. So assured in his own, clever little plan to trick the latest in a long line of powerful beings in the universe to threaten his home. But as he stares at the scene before him, Yamcha, never learning his lesson, once again finds his confidence the cause of his, and in this case, everyone else' un-doing.

The two figures deciding the fate of the Earth stand at opposite ends of the pool situated in the backyard of Capsule Corps headquarters. One a skinny, purple skinned and fur-less cat-like being, known as Beerus. An unexpected visitor with enough power to effortlessly defeat the strongest fighters the ex-bandit has ever encountered from Tien all the way to Gohan.

His opponent is a stocky, shape-shifting, man-pig, who's perversions are rivaled only by Master Roshi, being known as Oolong. One of Yamcha's oldest friends and among the first members of this strange group of friends and family forming their inner circle.

Beerus gave them a single, simple condition to save their planet, if Oolong beats him in a game of paper, rock, scissors the Earth survives. If not, he'll destroy it without a moment's hesitation. Yamcha thought himself so clever with his hoof logic when he and Puar goaded the cowardly pig-man into this game moments ago. Only now as he and the others present watch their respective picks does a single thought run through his, and everyone else' minds.

_We're all going to die..._

"You fools," Beerus calls them as they all, in unison look on at Oolong's paper losing to Beerus' scissors in utter shock and terror. "Don't you see my ears? I heard your whole plan!"

 _Of course!_ Yamcha mentally screams as they all watch Beerus rise off the ground. _I should've told Oolong telepathically! At least, then it might've worked! Oh man... I've really screwed up this time!_

Halting his ascent a few feet off the ground, a massive, sun-like ball of energy slowly surrounds Beerus' entire body, causing the ground beneath their feet to shake with his growing energy. The warriors of Earth and their allies take a few steps back, with Piccolo and Dende in particular shaking and sweating considerably at the display of power.

_We're all going to die... And it's all my fault!_

The sun-ball aura stops spreading, its size now dwarfing that of the entire Capsule Corp headquarters and towering over the group of humans, aliens and animal-Earthling's gathered beneath it.

 _Do something damn it!_ Yamcha urges himself with a commanding yell. _You got everyone into this mess so figure out a way to get em out of it!_

Inside the orb of fiery energy, Beerus looks down on party-goers and points the palm of his right hand towards them, his body glowing with a purple hue as he prepares to annihilate their home.

 _How'd it even get this crazy?!_ He wonders at this insane turn of events. _Everything was going fine! Everyone was eating, drinking, hanging out, even Beerus was having a helluva time until Boo ticked him off!... Wait a minute..._

Momentarily forgetting the newest impending destruction of Earth, Yamcha recollects everything that's happened at the party as quickly as he can. _Beerus showed up, got introduced to everyone, chowed down on the food, drank some juice, asked Boo for something... Damn it! What was it!_

While the ex-bandit tries to find the cause of this in hopes of calming down their destructive, uninvited guest, the other party-goers simply stand next to one another in the shadow of the make-shift sun-ball looming ominously over them.

"People of Earth!" Beerus' voice echoes from inside the sun-ball. "The moment of your destruction is nigh if you have any last words tell one another, now's the time to do it!"

"Don't be so sure of yourself!" Tien defiantly yells at the cat-god. "Every time a someone like you has tried to destroy our planet, they've gotten more than they bargained for!"

"Yeah!" Chiaotzu backs him up. "When Goku gets here you'll be sorry you ever came here!"

Beerus gives them a toothy grin. "The Saiyan I bested on North Kai's planet? I left him in a sorry state with a simply push to the neck. Even that ridiculously spiky haired form did him little good."

"He... doesn't mean Super Saiyan 3... does he...?" Krillin hesitantly addresses the others with only silent but shocked expressions serving as his replies. "... Guys?"

"Now say your goodbyes so I can be on my way! This isn't the only planet that needs destroying you know!"

"Well, at least, I got to see Bulma's full-package before biting the bullet," Giggles Master Roshi with a slight blush to accompany it, the ten shots of sake he drank earlier dulling the severity of the situation.

"Speaking of which..." Oolong gives the woman-in-question a sideways glance with a wicked grin spreading across his features. Nudging himself closer and closer towards her as she helps her wounded, and tired husband on his feet. "Ooooohhhhhh Bbbbuuuuulllllmmmaaaa-"

"Try anything pig, and I'll make sure you're the first one of us to go!" Vegeta growls at the shapeshifter, coupling it with a single-eyed glare and sending him practically squealing to the other side of the group.

"Of all the times to pull something like that-" A quick peck on the cheek from Bulma calms him down. "What was that for?"

"For being my hero twice today," She tells him with a warm smile. "A girl always loves

"Hmph," He scoffs before suddenly wincing in pain from something grabbing his leg. He looks down to find his son, smiling and hugging him tightly.

"Mom's right dad!" Trunks proudly agrees with his mother's sentiment. "Seeing you beat this guy up was awesome! I bet Mister Goku didn't do half-as-good as you!"

Despite their predicament and the open show of affection he usually dislikes acknowledging out in public, Vegeta cannot help but rub the top of Trunks' head and reward his praise with a genuine smile. "Thanks, boy."

Overhearing his friends and Beerus' comment about his father, Goten lowers his head in worry, hoping that he'll fly in at any moment and prove them both wrong.

"Don't worry dear," He notices his mother kneeling next to him, giving him a hug and reassuring smile. "Your fathers never missed a chance for a good fight! He'll be here any second now!"

"It won't do us any good even if he does," Piccolo interjects, his expression as pale as can be given his usual, green skin-color."The rest of you can't sense it, but this... Beerus, his power is... " He gulps just being in the God of Destructions vicinity. "It's frighteningly powerful, even after everything I've faced in my life, none of us even compares to him. Not even Goku."

The bluntness of his statement earns the Super Namekian a number of reactions, none of them good and all of them going seemingly ignored by him. Goten and Videl lower their heads in worry, Chi-Chi shoots him a disapproving glare while Dende glances from him to Videl. The young Earth girls hand never leaving her belly.

 _This isn't good for someone,_ The young guardian of Earth looks at her with a heavy heart. _Especially for someone in her condition._

He reaches out to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder only for Gohan to prove himself the quicker of the two. Placing her in a tight embrace despite the pair of broken ribs awarded to him courtesy of Beerus.

"Don't worry Videl," He hugs her just a bit tighter. "My dad isn't going to let Beerus blow everything up. He's probably over at Old Kai's getting the Potara so he can fuse with one us and beat this guy."

"I want to believe that Gohan, I do but-"

"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL CREATION!" Beerus roars at the top of his lungs, the force behind his very voice feeling like an instantaneous tornado smashing against them all. "When I told you to say your goodbyes I meant something short and to the point! Certainly not the downright disturbing relationship between Vegeta's wife and the old man!"

With the exception of the drunk and giggling Roshi, most of the party-goers merely look in silent terror at his outburst, readying themselves for what's to come.

"And where the blazes is Whis?!" Turning 90 degrees to his left inside the sun-ball, Beerus' left eye twitches at the sight of Whis still sitting at a nearby food stand, still partaking in various delicacies of Earth. "Damn it Whis!" He calls out to his attendant. "Will you quit stuffing your face and get over here so we can get this over with?!"

His only response is the form of a barely audible, muffled and disinterested response barely resembling "Coming Lord Beerus!"

Feeling a migraine setting in, Beerus pinches the bridge of his nose as he almost considers putting an end to everything and merely joining him in the dishes of Earth. But a God of Destruction must stand behind his decision to destroy a planet, and nothing can stand in the way of that.

"PUDDING!"

Hearing the voice of the foolish human who thought himself clever enough to fool a being of his caliber, Beerus turns around and finds the one called Yamcha standing there with an attitude completely different from all the others. The same attitude he displayed when he whispered his plan to the pig-man.

"It was pudding, wasn't it Lord Beerus?" Yamcha asks, taking a few steps forward while everyone looks at him as if he's lost his mind. "Boo didn't share his pudding and now you're mad at us!"

"Congratulations human," Beerus commends him with sarcasm oozing from every word. "Your ability to barely grasp what the others did long ago is astounding. What is exactly your point with this?"

"My point, Lord Beerus, is that you're obviously a man who wants, no, deserves respect and my friend here didn't give it to you. What if he apologized for it?"

"It would do you little good human," Beerus eyes the blob in question with malice. "It would require something truly substantial for me to spare your planet now."

Yamcha rubs his chin for a moment, pondering what this substantial thing could be. It doesn't take long. "Oh! What if we made you an incredible dish, Lord Beerus? And I'm not talking something great or amazing, I'm talking top five meals you've ever tasted good."

Beerus snickers at the idea. "Among the best meals I've ever tasted? Don't get me wrong human, the dishes of your world are nothing short of exceptional, but I've lived for millions of years, visited countless worlds with cultures and cuisines that would make your head spin. Do you honestly believe someone on this planet could produce one to rival the finest I've had the pleasure in partaking in?"

Without a hint of hesitation, Yamcha looks him right in the eye with a smirk and says. "I do."

The two of them stare at one another for a moment while the others merely observe at the exchange with renewed hope, a last, slim chance for them to save the Earth. To their relief, Beerus lowers his hand, his sun-ball, and aura vanishing as he descends towards the ground.

"Very well, human," Beerus walks up towards him with Yamcha simply standing-in-place, casual and calm. "I shouldn't do this, but even if there's the faintest chance of an exceptional dish hidden away somewhere on this little world, then I can't pass it up."

"And if I'm right, and this dish knocks your socks off, you won't destroy the Earth?"

"Of course, a God of Destruction always keeps his promises," Beerus leans in a bit closer to Yamcha, his voice becoming quieter as he narrows his eyes at the smirking, ex-bandit. "Just don't start beginning for another chance if you botch the meal, I won't give it to you."

Yamcha's smirk grows into a full-blown smile as he extends his hand out to the cat deity. "You got yourself a deal."

Beerus responds with a smile of his own and takes Yamcha's hand. "I eagerly await what you can come up with."

"Yeah, wait till you see what chef Bulma brings-" The ex-bandits smile fades, replaced by a look of confusion. "Wait, what you mean?"

"You're the one who boasted of Earth's culinary achievements, **Yamcha** , now is the time for you to prove it."

Yamcha merely stands there, his brain not fully comprehending Beerus' suggestion when a whole new flood of terror washes over him.

"No... No, no, no, no, no, no!" Yamcha tries to pull his hand back only to find it tightly in the grip of the smiling, satisfied at once again fooling the human, Beerus. Despite his best efforts, he's powerless to stop Beerus from forcefully shaking their joined hands together, sealing the deal.

"Don't worry, I'm not entirely unreasonable!" Beerus assures him with a coy tone to his voice. "A meal of this importance requires the presence of an assistant to the chef," He leans closer towards the terrified Yamcha. "So choose wisely!"

Still pulling away from Beerus' grip upon being released from it, Yamcha is sent stumbling clumsily towards the other partygoers and falls flat on his face at their feet. Moaning from the pain of his aching nose, he rolls over and sees everyone staring down at him, with reactions ranging from hope to terror to disapproval from all of them. As varied as the species and types of people comprising the group.

For Yamcha himself, however, only a single thought comes to mind.

_We're all going to die..._


	2. The Plot Thickens

"Guys... I'm sorry... I am so... So very sorry..." A disheartened Yamcha apologizes with his face planted firmly in his hands from behind the kitchen counter. An apology directed to all others presently in the kitchen, to Puar and Oolong sitting to his right and a sobering up Master Roshi to his left.

"I thought I was fixing my screw up with Oolong," He buries his head deeper into his hands, his voice becoming muffled. "Figures I'd mess something up again, I just wish you guys didn't have to pay for my screw up this time."

"You were just trying to help son," Master Roshi pats him on the back, his breath still reeking of booze. "We'll get through this, we always do."

"Still, ya could've noticed his ears." Chimes in Oolong with his usual high and mighty tone, earning him a smack across the face from Puar, not for the first time either. "Ow! What the hell was that for?!"

"For kicking a guy when he's down!" She yells into the pig man's massive ears, her squeaky voice reverberating inside his skull. "I didn't see you do anything except stand like a moron there until Yamcha nudged you!"

"First of all, don't scream in my ear, your voice is like a thousand cats being skinned alive," Oolong fumes while rubbing his aching cheek. "Second, I'd like to see you name someone who wasn't scared stiff of that lunatic. Third, I'm not the guy with telepathic powers!" He points an accusing finger at Yamcha. " **He is!** It's not my fault him and the rest of those meat heads forget about it all the time!"

"He's right Puar, I got so caught up with my own scheme, thinking I was so clever and it blew up in my face. Twice!"

Before the two can continue their arguing, a sighing Bulma enters the kitchen, her hair messy and her cheek still red from the slap delivered by Lord Beerus.

"I finally got that stubborn mule Vegeta to lie down, how's the cooking going-" She stops mid-sentence to find the three of them simply sitting there doing now, her tired expression morphing into one of absolute blood-curdling rage at the sight before her. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

Her yell sends shivers down their spine, even managing to replace Yamcha's shame with a feeling abject horror. Before he can even react, she grabs him by the collar of his shirt and lifts him off the ground and over the table.

"H-hey! What's the big idea-aach!" Her grip on his neck tightens.

"What's the big idea?" She repeats, slowly for added emphasis. "I'll tell you the big idea! I sent you here so you could cook! No mope around while the rest of us try to keep Beerus happy enough to **not** die!"

"Are you insane?!" He yells back, matching her own. "I can't cook! I'm former a desert rat! An ex-crook! Unless you're planning on having Beerus choke on something and drop dead, I can't cook for crap!"

She momentarily stares at him, in sheer disbelief at his own lack of self-awareness. "Can't cook? You're one of the best cooks I've ever met in my life!"

"Ha!" A humorless smile spreads across his face. "Yeah right, anytime I ever cooked anything for you, you hated it and threw it in my face! Emphasis on **hated it**."

"That was just me being a crappy girlfriend you moron!"

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" He replies with a grimace replacing his smile, his words leaving the observing crowd at the kitchen table stunned as they watch the two of them stare one another down. Amazed and horrified at Yamcha's decision to say such a thing to a woman who routinely puts the vicious Vegeta in his place. Oolong and Puar wonder if he's lost it, Master Roshi, however, chalks it up to a distinct lack of caring in the face of certain death.

"Look," She eases up, letting go of his collar and much of her anger with it. "You made a deal with Beerus, a deal that's saved us from getting annihilated."

"Yeah, for a couple more hours."

"Be that as it may, it's still a chance, one we're going to use. Because we sure as hell don't have anything else up our sleeve. In case you hadn't noticed, Beerus wiped the floor with everyone, even Goku couldn't lay a finger on him."

"Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better!" He replies with sarcasm oozing from every uttered word. "Everyone who counts failed miserably so now we're all counting on you! After screwing up twice today, I'm not exactly jumping at the chance to do it again!"

"At least you'll be doing something!" Bulma's anger flares back up. "Instead of sulking in here while everyone's counting on you."

"No one is counting on me Bulma," He narrows his eyes at her. "I'm going to fail again, I know it, they know it, so what's the point?"

She lets go of his collar and pinches the bridge of her nose in frustration, angry at his defeatist attitude but not entirely blind to the cause of it. In terms of bad luck, her former boyfriend might just be amongst the unluckiest people she's ever met with life rarely giving him a break. A great many head and heart aches of which she's directly caused him and seldom apologized for.

Before she can argue further, she feels the vibrating of her silenced cell phone from her dresses pocket and takes it out to find a surprising message from Gohan who currently resides in the infirmary.

_Dad's back! And he's got a plan to beat Beerus! Get over here NOW!_

She stares at her phone in a mix of suspicious and relief. Goku of all people says he has a plan to beat Beerus. **Goku** , the man who's plan to prevent the apocalypse was to wait until the guys responsible for it showed up so he can fight them. Yet she's quickly reminded of their current plans progress and quickly opts to hear him out.

"Okay, here's the deal," She calmly states. "If I get you an assistant, a really, really good assistant, will you at least give this a try?"

"It'd have to be someone amazing to make me even consider this has a chance of not going horribly wrong."

She gives the ex-bandit a confident grin. "Oh he's good alright, just sit tight and I'll get him here." She looks over Yamcha's shoulder towards the others. "The three of you should leave and let them work in peace, I don't want a good dish to get smashed."

"Why'd you even let us in here in the first place if we're just leaving?" Oolong asks incredulously while doing precisely as she asks.

"Because I've clearly got brain damage from that slap when I thought you'd get him to do anything." She glances back at Yamcha one last time. "Don't even try about running off, your partner's going to be here soon."

She too leaves the room, closing the door to the kitchen behind here when she notices Master Roshi still hanging around in the hallway, seemingly waiting for her. "Yeah?"

The old martial artist gives her a knowing smile. "You're going to get Ox-King to help him out, aren't you?"

"Oh yeah," She grins, sending a message to the man-in-question currently among the many people catering to every whim and desire of Beerus and his odd companion Whis. "Even Yamcha's going to feel better trying to cook with him there to back him up."

"He'll come through y'know," Master Roshi tells her as they walk down the hall towards the crossroad where one path will lead them out while the other back towards the infirmary. "He just needs to strike that balance of confidence and self-control, once he gets there, he'll make a dish good enough to kill for."

"The others might not agree with that, even I don't, not completely."

"Understandable," He admits. "That boys had a rough time with martial arts and in the love department."

Bulma tries not to visibly cringe about the last part.

"But if he knows how to do anything, its play baseball, and cook!" He proudly exclaims. "The others might get stronger than him in martial arts, but they can't ever reach his skill in cuisine."

"Y'know, you could've told him this back there."

"I could've," Roshi admits with a nod. "But I've been trying to talk him out of his slump for years now, in times like these, it takes situations like these to really make or break a person."

"I just wish the whole planet wasn't at risk of getting blown up for that to happen." Bulma sighs, feeling the stress of both the situation and her own age, one the others don't need to know the actual number of.

Master Roshi merely chuckles at the statement as they reach the diverging paths. "I wouldn't worry about it, with all our friends in the afterlife, we'll be back here in no time."

"Don't tell Beerus that," She laughs. "Or else we're **really** screwed."

"Tell him what?" He raises an eyebrow at her though fails to keep from quirking his lip up. "I'm just a drunk old man!"

Smirking at the small wink he gives her after lowering his glasses, she parts ways with the aging martial arts master and heads back to the infirmary where she finds her battered husband Vegeta lying on the table where she left him, Gohan observing the others outside as they tend to every whim of Beerus and Champa and a recently arrived Goku sitting on a table next to Vegeta, looking no better than the Saiyan prince.

"He got you good, didn't he?" Bulma moves over to check on her oldest friend, taking note of the myriad of scrapes and bruises covering his body along with the pained expression covering every feature of his face. "What did he do to you?"

Rubbing the back of his neck, Goku chuckles a little before reeling back in pain. "He tapped my neck."

"A-a tap?!"

"Beerus' power is vast Bulma," Vegeta comments with a failed attempt to keep the fatigue out of his voice. "Perhaps the greatest we've ever encountered."

"Piccolo said so too," Gohan looks away from the window towards the others present in the room. "I'm not sure how, but he and Dende can sense his power unlike the rest of us, not much of it but they talk about it like its completely different from the rest of us."

Bulma looks around the room. "And where'd the two of them go?"

"They went to get the Dragon Balls for dads plan."

"Speaking of which," Vegeta rises from the table though remains sitting on it, failing to hide a few pained grunts on the way. "What are you playing at Kakarot? Did you discover some kind of weakness we can exploit?"

"Not exactly," Goku shakes his head. "When Beerus came to King Kai's he talked about finding a Super Saiyan God. I had no idea what that was but after thinking about it, I remembered we've got the perfect guy to ask about it."

"Shenron," Vegeta concludes with a pleased smirk on his face. "Not bad Kakarot, not bad at all."

"It makes sense," Gohan admits. "After you died, Dende and I talked a lot on the Watchtower. One time he told me about that Shenron and Porunga have access to cosmic knowledge that goes way beyond their creators," He lets out a small, embarrassed chuckle. "I wish I remembered that before getting kicked in the stomach."

"Once Dende and Piccolo come back, we'll ask Shenron how to become Super Saiyan God," A confident smile graces Goku's features. "Then we'll get a shot at beating Lord Beerus!"

"Hold your horses there," Bulma interjects, folding her arms across her chest. "Before you, meat heads punch the galaxy apart, how about we try to beat Beerus without inadvertently destroying the planet?"

"Do you mean that Yamcha clown?" Vegeta lets out a haughty laugh. "Don't be absurd, Bulma. That fools got a better chance of antagonizing Beerus even more than he does at winning the beat. We'll be better off simply fighting our way out of this situation."

"Woah," Goku looks at them, completely stunned. "Yamcha's going to fight Lord Beerus?! I always knew he'd do better if he put his mind to his training but I had no idea he'd get **this** strong!"

"Imbecile! He's not going to fight Lord Beerus!" Vegeta yells, his brief moment of respect for his fellow Saiyan replaced with the usual irritation. "He made a ridiculous bargain with Beerus over some dish. If he can make a good one Beerus won't destroy the Earth."

"And he'll pull it off," Bulma smirks with a confidence that could rival Vegeta's. "Especially with the Ox-King helping him out."

"Oh man," Goku's feels his stomach growl at the prospect of such a meal. "We should've had them do this years ago."

"There's no doubt Gramps and Yamcha are great cooks," Gohan admits, feeling equally curious about the end result of such a collaboration. "But still, Yamcha's bet dictates he has to make one of the best meals Beerus has ever tasted, and this guys millions of years old. He was eating exquisite cuisine before the first signs of life ever showed up on Earth."

"Precisely," Vegeta concurs smugly. "Which is why placing all our bents on the two of them would be a mistake."

"I never said we shouldn't have a plan B," Bulma glares at her husband. "But let's give the two of them a shot before resorting to fists. If this Beerus is as much of a fighting junkie like the rest of you, he'll jump at the chance to fight a Super Saiyan God regardless of how the bet goes."

A loud thumping noise behind one of the other doors leading into the infirmary gets their attention and soon the cause of said thumping enters the room, stumbling clumsily after the door slides open.

"Piccolo!" Gohan is the first to run towards his kneeling and groaning master. "Piccolo! What happened to you?"

The Namekian raises his head with a horrid buzzing noise all but literally splitting his head apart, he looks around groggily and looks at the flapping mouths of all those present with none of their words registering in his ears.

"What?!" He accidentally screams with more incomprehensible words from flapping mouths serving as his answer. "... WHAT?!"

_Can you understand us now?_ Gohan establishes a telepathic link with his master, one shared by everyone present in the room with Vegeta helping Bulma participate in it.

_Yeah_... Piccolo mentally groans. _Thanks, kid..._

_What happened to you, Piccolo?_ Asks Goku. _Where's Dende? Where are the Dragon Balls._

_The Dragon Balls..._ Piccolo looks them all right in the eye with a grim look on his face. _They've been stolen!_

The others stare at him blankly as this revelation and all the implications of it suddenly wash over them like a tidal wave. In equal shock, they all scream in unison. "...WWWHHHAAATTTT?!"


	3. The Plot Twist

"Is the coast clear?"

"Gimme a second," She fidgets around with the device strapped to the side of her face. "I'm not seeing any battle power readings coming towards us."

"They could be hiding it, though!" Their worried partner in crime points out. "I'm pretty sure they can do that!"

"True, but they can't find us," Their boss counters, taking a circular radar device out of his pocket with a pleased smirk on his face. "Not without this!"

"We should be careful, though," She warns the two of them. "Once we summon Shenron, they might be able to find us anyway. We should make sure not to screw up another wish like last time!"

"Uhm, excuse me," Their boss speaks with indignation in his voice. "But it was you who got us drunk the night of the wish granting!"

"Only because you said it would be okay!" She counters, her temper flaring. "You convinced us both nothing bad could possibly happen! Now we're stuck like this."

"C'mon guys," The worried one speaks up, getting in-between them to defuse the situation. "We're so close to getting everything we want! Can we please not screw it up this time, pretty please?"

The boss and the woman glared at one another, staring intently to see which one of them will break first. Then, they both exhale and relax somewhat, much to the worried one's glee. "Great!" He exclaims, patting them both on the back with his pawed hands. "I've got a good feeling about this time guys, just you wait!"

* * *

 

"PPPIIILLLAAAFFF!?" Bulma roared the name as if were the most disgusting the word in the English language, slamming her fists against a nearby table while her eyes narrow on the bearer of bad news, Piccolo. "That little scum sucking bastard stole the Dragon Balls?!"

"It would appear so," The Namekian confirms, his joy over his hearing returning now gone as he listens to her shrieking voice. "Unless my mental projection abilities have gone straight to hell, I know for a fact one of them looked like I showed you."

The ability in question allowed him to show Bulma, Goku, Gohan and Vegeta things from his perspective as he and Dende transported the Dragon Balls to the infirmary. A simple task went awry when Piccolo noticed small people buzz around his head with flames bursting from their backs. One of them was distinctly blue with spiked ears, the next one of the three was a woman and the last, a dog clothed as a ninja.

Before he could swat them away, they blasted an equally miniaturized microphone shriek into his and Dende's ears, sending them into near shock and causing them to drop the Dragon Balls. Allowing them to steal them to who knows where.

"How could I have been so stupid?!" Bulma yells, banging her head against the table. "Why didn't I recognize that little blue bastard the second I saw him?!"

"I just assumed he was still dead," Goku told them, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, something which did not alleviate the dumb expression on his face. "All three of them got killed when Boo blew up the planet and we told Porunga to keep the bad people dead."

"Do they really count?" Gohan asks his father. "They're not exactly the most threatening bunch you've ever faced."

"If they were so harmless boy, they wouldn't have been able to steal the Dragon Balls," Vegeta roared with an intensity to match Bulma's, his eyes narrowing at the two members of the Son family. "Now what are we to do when that fool Yamcha fails?! Beerus will destroy us all!"

"You guys really should have more faith in Yamcha," Goku speaks up for his friend. "Him and the Ox-King teaming for a dish can't end badly!"

"Still," Piccolo speaks up, rising from the table. "We should track down the Dragon Balls regardless. In a delicate situation such as this, having a backup plan is the wise move to make."

"Wait..." Bulma speaks up, raising hear red face from the table. "They were tiny... Right?" She directs the question at Piccolo.

"That's what I saw, yes."

She immediately drives both her hands into her skirt pockets and only then notices something missing, something she should absolutely NOT be missing in a situation like this. "They stole it..." She whispers with a horrified look on her face. "They stole the Dragon Radar..."

"WHAT?!" The three warriors exclaim, their jaws all but literally smashing against the metal floor.

"And they were little," Bulma continues, contemplatively pacing across the room while the others wait in horror as to what other horrifying realization she'll come to. "That can only mean..." She sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. "They stole my Micro Bands."

Vegeta, Gohan, and Piccolo give her puzzled looks while Goku smiles nostalgically. "Oh! I remember that! It's that thing you used to shrink yourself when we fought the Red Ribbon Army right? Didn't you give that to Master Roshi?"

"I did," She confirms. "But I made more of them in case we ever had to sneak out of some place without the bad guy noticing us. I even made a bunch of jet packs for a quick getaway."

"They must've stolen all of this when Beerus was about to blow up the Earth," Gohan points out. "Think about it. We all fought him for a while, then took our time saying our goodbyes then Yamcha made the deal with him. It's more than enough time to steal all of this stuff without anyone noticing."

"It's likely they were skulking around here for a while too," Piccolo continues his pupils train of thought. "By doing so, they'd be able to see where you keep your gadgets and the fastest way to get to them."

"Oh god..." She gulps as yet another most disturbing realization hits her. "The girl... Mai... She passed herself off as Trunks' girlfriend..."

No one says anything for a little while, merely looking at her as they process the implications of such a pairing. Then, in spite of the situation they find themselves in, Goku, Gohan and even Piccolo burst out into gleeful laughter.

"ITS NOT FUNNY!" Vegeta and Bulma yell which does nothing to stop them from laughing on and on and on. Vegeta continues yelling at them, demanding the stop enjoying the morbid situation pertaining to the child of the Prince of all Saiyan's. Bulma chooses to ignore them as she considers what else they could've stolen. She's built quite a collection of gadgets and inventions by this point, some made for her own convenience, some for sale while others made just because.

"Okay, okay," She snaps at them, managing to mostly quiet them down but the giggling of Goku along with the smirks of Gohan and Piccolo still infuriate her. "We've got to find Pilaf and his goons before Yamcha and Ox-King serve the dish. If they stayed small they can't have gone far so I need you guys to look for them."

"It won't be easy," States Piccolo. "I've got my hearing to pick up on anything odd on that end but what about them?" He nods in the direction of the gathered Saiyan's.

"I'll get back to my lab and make a few new Dragon Radars for all of," She looks at Gohan. "Seeing as you're the fastest one here, you'll get them to the others in case they don't find Pilaf. Plus, I'll need someone smart to help me do a quick inventory check to see what that little bastard and his cougar friend stole from me."

"And if anyone finds them, we just power up to let the others now," Goku chimes in, earning approving nods from everyone bar Vegeta.

"Then let's get going," Vegeta barks, uncrossing his arms. "Every moment we spend here, the the further they slip from our grasp."

"I'll take the East," Says Piccolo.

"West for me," Goku decides.

"North," Chooses Vegeta.

"And I guess I'll take south once Bulma and I are done here," Gohan concludes the meeting, exchanging nods with one another, the three of blast out of the laboratory and into the hallways of Capsule Corp, unleashing a gust of wind so powerful it almost sends Bulma smashing into a nearby wall.

"At least they didn't break the ceiling again," She mutters, correcting her skirt before exiting the infirmary as well in a sprint with Gohan next to her.

"Bulma," Gohan speaks up hesitantly. "How many gadgets did you leave lying around for them to steal?"

"Not counting the stuff I've broken or lost over the years, approximately nine to ten thousand."

Gohan merely nods, his face contorting into a mix of shock, fear and morbid curiosity. "Yup," He says, shaking his head. "I think I'm gonna root for Yamcha on this one."

* * *

 

 **A short chapter I know but next time we'll be delving into the psyches of** Yamcha **and the Ox-King and not so much on everyone vs Pilaf. That'll come after :P**

**Anyway, I hope you like the twist and the callback to classic DB ;)**


	4. No Regrets

With a heavy heart, Ox-King throws another potentially world-saving dish fall into the kitchen trash bin. A work-in-progress chocolate cake with just a bit of cherry frosting on top, a dish that could quell anyone's sweet tooth. Certainly good enough to appease even a God of Destruction such as Beerus.

Now it's just another charred piece of food in the trash, their third failure in a row. Though, Ox-King uses the word "their" very loosely given Yamcha's disinterest in following any sort of guidelines to making said dishes.

As expected, the former bandit sits lazily on the counter, his expression blank and stare a thousand yards away along with his thoughts. If he's worrying about the approaching apocalypse or feeling guilty about not helping to stop it, he's hiding it remarkably well. He can't understand the young man's indifference at all. When Bulma asked him to assist Yamcha, he thought it would go much differently than it has.

He thought he'd find Yamcha ready to prepare the finest dish in the world. To prove himself above the joke others like Vegeta consider him to be. Instead, whatever shred of enthusiasm he had vanished quickly and hasn't come back. Ox-King could have simply ignored him and done the dishes himself, but as a man also well past his own prime and feeling it quite a bit as of late, he can't for the life of him let someone else like him just throw away an opportunity like this. A chance to, for once, contribute in saving the world instead of being on the sidelines.

With an exasperated sigh, Ox King lifts his glasses as he pinches the bridges of his nose. "Let's start again-"

"Goku's back," Yamcha tells him flatly. "I can feel him and the others buzzing around out there. They'll fix this somehow."

 _So that's it,_ He realizes the cause of Yamcha's deflated interest. With Goku around, it's easier for him to justify simply throwing in the towel and let someone else deal with the situation at hand.

"We don't know that," Counters Ox-King, turning to face the younger man. "You heard what Beerus said, Goku tried to fight him and he lost. **Everyone** who's tried to fight him lost."

"And I'm sure Goku's doing something to make sure it doesn't happen again," Yamcha replies with a yawn, cracking the bones of his neck. "He'll think of something, he always does."

"And what about the dish?"

"What **about** the dish?" A hint of emotion creeps into Yamcha's voice as he also turns to face the older, larger man behind the counter. "It was a stupid idea from the start and it's an even stupider idea going through with it. Especially with me here."

"You're an excellent cook, Yamcha, one of the best I've ever met in my life," Ox-King assures him. "And not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty good too or so I'm told. I know you and I can make a dish so good it'll make Beerus never want to destroy the Earth ever again."

"Not a bad idea," Yamcha shrugs, looking away again. "So go on and make it already, you're just wasting time letting me in on this operation."

"I honestly don't think so," The older man tells him honestly, earning a disbelieving look from Yamcha.

"You don't think so?" He repeats with genuine surprise. "Do you even realize how many simple things I've messed up? Things you'd have to be a complete moron to screw up? Hell, look at this bet! The only reason it even exists is because I didn't think about Beerus' ears! HIS EARS!"

"So now what?" Ox-King asks a bit more forcefully. "You're okay with it just ending like that? You messed up so now it's someone else' job to try and fix it?"

To his surprise, Yamcha gives him a laugh, a humorless one but a laugh none the less. "Sure, why not? Your son-in-law was fine with letting a couple of kids clean up his and Vegeta's mess a few years back."

"And how did that go for him exactly?" Ox-King challenges, taking a few steps forward as a feeling of anger and intimidation he hasn't tapped into for decades by now returns to the surface. "Everyone of us got turned into candy, the Earth was destroyed and they barely managed to win in the end!"

"Proving my original point, Goku's gonna clean up my mess just like he cleaned up his, it'll all work out in the end."

"I can't believe this," Ox-King all but growls, managing to get a somewhat startled reaction out of Yamcha with the forcefulness of his voice and the accompanying scowl with it. "You of all people should be jumping at the chance to do this! To prove to yourself before anyone else that you're not useless!"

"Trust me, old man, I've tried," Yamcha sighs. "But it never works out, never has and never will, and frankly? I'm done getting my hopes for something that'll never happen."

Jumping out of the chair, Yamcha drops any remaining pretense of working and casually walks to the door. "You're going to regret giving up," He calls out to the former bandit. "Just like I did..."

That manages to stop him for the time being, he turns around and gives the older man a confused look. "What do you mean?"

Realizing he's shown his cards and that this may be the only way to keep Yamcha from leaving, Ox-King reluctantly takes off his apron and sits down on the counter for the chair are too small to accommodate his massive size. He tries to gather his thoughts to get his core point across without losing too much time, they've already spent so much of it and accomplishing very little.

"I used to be like you, a martial artist I mean, not a thief," He quickly corrects, trying to ignore Yamcha's glare. "I never made it very far down that road. I completed Master Roshi's training and all but once I got my castle pretty early in life, I've just... stayed there. First to raise Chi-Chi and now to just... have a roof over my head."

"Sounds pretty nice if you ask me," Yamcha replies conversationally. "Big castle, lots of money, a big family, isn't that the dream?"

Ox-King lets out a small laugh. "Oh, it's wonderful. I wouldn't trade it all for anything else in the world..." He sighs, feeling tired and defeated. "But I can't help feeling like I let my martial arts skills go to waste. Especially when I look at you and Krillin and Tien..."

"Go to waste?" Yamcha replies, raising an eyebrow. "We didn't do anything! We're useless now! Even Piccolo can't keep up with people like Goten and Trunks and they're just teenagers!"

"But you still didn't quit," Ox-King interjects. "You kept training and fighting in spite of knowing the odds were against you. All of you students of Master Roshi like me and all of you kept going for as long as you could and you all helped! I didn't have that kind of determination! I never went on grand adventures or pushed myself to new heights, I never made a real difference when it counted."

His voice trails off, leaving them both in a brief and awkward silence.

"I couldn't help protect my home or my family when Raditz kidnapped my grandson and killed my son-in-law. I didn't stand up to Vegeta and his partner when they attacked the Earth or when those Androids showed up or when Boo attacked," He looks Yamcha right in the eye. "But you all did."

"And got crushed like bugs," Yamcha reminds him.

"But you still tried, me? I just never made good use of all the things Master Roshi taught me, and now I can't do it even if I wanted to. I'm too old and was out of your league decades ago. But this," He grabs his apron and holds it in front of him. "I can do this, **we** can do this! We can make the best damn dish that cat bastards ever seen and help save our home! We might not be able to beat him in a fight but we can sure as hell take him down a few pegs with a good meal!"

Yamcha says nothing but Ox-King can see him fidget awkwardly in place, a clear indication that he's getting to him. "And if it doesn't work?"

"Then we gave it our best chance," Ox-King practically shrugs it off. "Goku's back and he's out there for a reason, he'll have an ace in the hole for us. But I say," The older man rises from the counter and walks up to the former bandit, giving him a firm slap on the shoulder. "I say we take Beerus down before he even has the chance when's the last time anyone got to do that?"

Yamcha's eyes dart from him to the exit as he considers his options, but the old man knows he's gotten to him, if he hadn't, Yamcha would have left long ago. The former bandit sighs, giving him an affirmative nod. "One last time," He emphasizes with his rising index finger. "I'm gonna give myself one last shot and if we don't pull this off..."

"We will," Ox-King leans in to emphasize his size and by extension his own point, the same way he did back when Gohan was a boy. "And if we don't make Beerus burst out in tears of joy, we'll make his decision to destroy the Earth the hardest he'll ever make. And then regret it!"

"Let's make the dish first, then we can fantasize about kicking Beerus' ass with it," Yamcha walks past him back to the counter, taking his own apron on for the first time since Goku arrived and takes the cookbook in his hands. "Well?" He gestures for Ox-King to come over. "We don't exactly have much time here."

"That we don't," Ox-King agrees, tying his own apron back on. "But we'll make what we have count."

* * *

**Not much in the way of funny things this time around but I always wanted to make Yamcha & Ox-Kings little heart to heart be dramatic. It always annoys me when anime has two characters do a serious conversation then some stupid, random bullshit shows up out of nowhere and breaks it completely.**


	5. Complications on Both Sides

_Of all the stupid things I've had to do for this planet..._ Vegeta mentally curses himself, his predicament, his second home and everyone on it as he trudges through one of the many underground caverns situated near the edge of West City. A vast series of subterranean tunnels stretching for miles into the planet's surface with his only companion his frustration and the ball of energy hovering above his palm, serving as a light source.

Not a particularly good one as he periodically hits his head on one of the many stalactites piercing from the roof or stubbing his toe repeatedly on the boulders littering the ground. Both of which adding to his already foul mood. The only reason he finds himself here is because his heightened sense of smell caught a whiff of gasoline near the cave entrance when he landed near it to survey the surrounding area.

He recognizes the smell from the various canister of the liquid Bulma keeps around the house for her many vehicular based capsule inventions. Her damn, insane inventions which are responsible for his current predicament. Without them? A clown such as Pilaf would never have gotten close to the Dragon Balls, let alone succeed in stealing them and evading him and the rest of the search party with as much ease as he is now.

The Saiyan Prince momentarily considers just blowing the whole place up after banging his head on another stalactite, but he knows Dende can't make replacement Dragon Balls fast enough. If they had a day or two then it would serve as a viable plan, but with only a little over half an hour left? Impossible.

Slapping a row of upcoming stalactites ahead of him, Vegeta once again curses everything and everyone that comes to mind as he pushes further into the cave, following the aforementioned scent of gasoline. A smell which, while small, is no problem for a Saiyan such as himself to follow. If his target was anyone else, absolutely anyone else in the entire universe, Vegeta might even feel a bit of nostalgia for his days of tracking prey down in service to Freeza.

Upon reaching a sort of crossroads where the caverns split apart in many different directions, Vegeta halts in the center of it and tries to follow precisely where the gasoline scent leads to. Unfortunately, it leads to three of the possible seven directions before him.

 _Perhaps this Pilaf isn't such a fool, after all,_ He begrudgingly admits the genius of splitting their team into three individual units to make tracking them even more difficult. Still, if he was actually smart, he wouldn't have stolen the Dragon Balls from the people who can put them to good use in the first place. As per their plan, he momentarily powers up to a Super Saiyan, letting his fellow trackers know of his locations.

Seconds later, Kakarot appears with Piccolo in toe with the large Namekian immediately mashing his face into more stalactites. Vegeta can't help but smirk as he powers down.

"You better have a damn good reason for calling us here," Piccolo warns, rubbing his bleeding nose.

"The little bastards are hiding out in these caves but they've split off into three different directions," The Saiyan Prince points at the three tunnels in question. "We'll need to split up as well if we're to find them."

"Just follow the gasoline, right?" Kakarot asks, taking a whiff of its stench still clinging in the air. "Sounds easy enough."

"You might think so but I advise caution," Piccolo interjects, remembering how they took him by surprise. "We have no idea what these little creeps are carrying with them from Bulma. They could have any number of nasty traps waiting for us down these tunnels."

"We might if Kakarot's brat finished helping her sort out what got stolen already."

"Hey!" Goku yells incredulously. "Gohan didn't build all of this stuff! If Bulma wasn't such a slob we wouldn't be in this mess!"

Vegeta's left eye twitches. "A slob?" He repeats with a quiet, threatening voice. Yes, he did just end a long, mental ramble about her inventions and her carelessness, along with calling her any number of Earthling and alien insults but such was his right! He was her husband if anyone could call her a slob, it's him!

"Tread carefully Kakarot," Vegeta takes a step forward, narrowing his eyes at the Saiyan before him. "Or else I'll-" He takes a wrong step and slides off the ground, falling face first into the sharp rocks littering the floor with a loud thud. An embarrassing situation made all the worse by Kakarot's obnoxious giggle. Leaping back to his feet, Vegeta growls and prepares to punch that smile off his face when Piccolo clears his throat, drawing attention to himself.

"May I remind you we're wasting time here?" He states matter of factly. "If you two want to beat each other up that's no concern of mine. But I'd prefer if it didn't cause the destruction of Earth again."

This strikes a cord with the Prince and even Kakarot judging by his nervous chuckle. Still, Vegeta's not about to give the Piccolo the satisfaction of successfully scolding him like some child. "Fine," He sighs. "I'll take the one to the left, Kakarot can deal with the one on the right and you can go down the middle."

"You sure about that?" Kakarot asks. "How's Piccolo gonna track them if he can't smell as good as us?"

"Don't worry about that, my heightened hearing should let me pick up on those jet packs of theirs. I'd remember that noise anywhere. " The Namekian assures them with a grimace. No doubt still angry over them getting the drop on him not too long ago. "Let's go."

With that, the three warriors split off into their respective tunnels in search for the thieves. Vegeta immediately regrets his choice, for the ground at his feet is even more than before slippery from some water source nearby seeping through the cracks in the walls, making it night impossible to walk without nearly tripping over himself. A troublesome path only made worse by more of the detestable rocks protruding from the ceiling, ready and eager to cause him further humiliation.

He levitates off the ground, carefully keeping himself away from the slippery floor but just under the stalactites, another annoyance but regrettably necessary one if he wants to make any progress. To his relief, the scent of gasoline grows stronger and stronger with each passing minute, clearly indicating that he's getting closer to his prey. He speeds up his flight ever so slight, just enough to close the distance quicker without costing him any time to maneuver.

When he spots a small, orange flame darting across the sky just ahead of him trying to wildly stay clear of him, he can't help but grin devilishly as he prepares to snatch the thief out of the air.

"This farce is over you little-" He tries to threaten only for something to suddenly lodge itself into his throat mid-sentence. Nearly falling to the ground, Vegeta coughs violently, punching his chest over and over try and end the fit as soon as possible. Upon doing so, he looks back up and finds the girl hovering in front of him with a grin and a speaker in her hands.

The same girl who passed herself off as his son's girlfriend when being closer in age to Bulma. This makes something in Vegeta snap as he lunges forward to teach her the lesson of not messing with the Prince of all Saiyan's and his blood. A lesson left untaught when she speaks the words "Swee! Swee!" into the speaker.

In mid-lunge, keels over from a sudden, horrid pain assaulting his stomach, a pain so severe it overrides any frustration he feels towards once again smashing face first into the floor like some clown or the girl for getting him into this situation. Growling noise erupts from his belly, imitating the sounds of snarling beast and just barely drowning out Vegeta's own growls.

"Swee! Swee!" The girl speaks again, unleashing another rush of indescribable agony from Vegeta's lower regions. So great is his suffering that he can't even find the strength to rise to his feet. More disturbing, gnarled howling leaves his stomach and echoes through the tunnels as Vegeta desperately tries to keep the rush of diarrhea from exploding out of him.

When the girl clears her throat, Vegeta momentarily freeze's in place as a cold sweat breaks out all over his body. "Swee! Sw-"

"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Powering up to his maximum strength, Vegeta roars and blasts off through dozens upon dozens of layers of rock as quickly as he can to reach the surface. The adrenaline rush of Super Saiyan and his own desperation allow him to ignore the horrid pain of his bowels. In no time, he reaches ground level and rushes to the nearest bush in hopes of mitigating the damage as much as he possibly can.

Upon relieving himself in row of bushes, the Saiyan Prince simply kneels there, breathing in and out to try and recompose himself.

"Woah!" A familiar, obnoxious voice declares right next to him. The voice of Kakarot. "That smell! What the hell did you eat today, Vegeta?"

 _Of course, the bastard sensed me power up..._ Vegeta mentally curses his fellow Saiyan, putting his pants back on properly and powering down. Though he has to admit one thing, the stench is fairly repulsive on further inspection. To Kakarot's right, he finds Piccolo standing there with his arms crossed, and a disgusted look on his face.

"That little brat fed me something," Vegeta tries to say with as much dignity as possible. "This is... the result of that."

"Wait a second," Kakarot rubs his chin thoughtfully. "Did she yell something like swe-"

"Yes!" Vegeta interjects almost pleadingly for him to not finish that word, already feeling something gurgle in his stomach just from that alone. "Yes, she did!"

Kakarot instantly bursts out laughing, with such force he almost doubles over himself, clenching his chest. Grinding his teeth together, Vegeta barely manages to restrain himself from smashing his head into the ground. "What's so funny?!"

"That's..." Kakarot chokes out before cackling some more. "The PP candy!"

"PP Candy?" Piccolo asks, getting an affirmative nod from Kakarot.

"Oh yeah! Bulma used it make sure Oolong didn't run off back in the day! All you've got to do is whistle a word twice and you can make someone who's eaten the candy-"

"Makes a mess of themselves," Piccolo concludes as he, with Kakarot joining him, burst out laughing. It's only the timely arrival of Gohan which stops him from engaging the two of them in full on combat.

"Where have you been, boy?" Vegeta snarls, focusing his frustration on the newly arriving half-breed. "With your speed, you should've joined us ages ago!"

"What are you nuts?" Gohan replies with a disbelieving face. "Do you know just how much stuff she has lying around? I couldn't pick anything up without making sure it wasn't a bomb or something!"

 _I'm going to kill that woman..._ The Saiyan Prince promises when all of this is over.

"It's not like you've missed much," Piccolo states, back to his usual stoic self. "We've made no progress on hunting down Pilaf and his gang. What little we have done..." He casts a glance at Vegeta and smirks. "Have been less than successful."

"Doesn't matter," Gohan replies with a cocky grin, getting the attention of the three older men in the process. "I've got a sure-fire way to get our Dragon Balls back in no time at all."

* * *

"We're gonna be rich! We're gonna be rich! We're gonna be rich!" Mai hears her partners sing through her earpiece as she makes her way to them, still shrunken but thankfully out of danger. The two men in question, much like what she appears to someone of greater height, float like two fireflies in the air from a distance. She might even consider the display beautiful if she didn't know the two responsible for it quite well.

"Let's make ourselves older first," She suggests as she approaches the two of them. "Then we can focus on the money."

"Oh don't be such a spoilsport Mai," Pilaf waves a dismissive hand. "We're finally winning! For the first time ever! We should enjoy this moment while it lasts!"

"The boss is right," Shu chimes in, ever the mediator. "Goku and his pals are all gone! No one's gonna stop us now."

"That's what we thought the last time too," She reminds them, remaining skeptical at their current run of good luck and how the universe will see fit to ruin it for them. As it always does.

"Oh fine!" Pilaf groans like a spoiled five-year-old, reaching into his backpack, he pulls out the capsule containing the seven Dragon Balls still safely secured inside. "See? As long as we've got these babies and Bulma's inventions, there's nothing in the world that can stop us-"

The capsule starts to glow for a split second without warning and then it vanishes into thin air, leaving nothing behind. The three of them merely stare at Pilaf's newly emptied hand, not even their shallow breathing breaks the silence before they all scream in unison.

* * *

"Sorry about bothering you, Grand Elder Mori," Gohan shakes the Namekian's hand, truly regretful for having to demand the use of their Dragon Ball's so suddenly without any warning beforehand. Behind him, his father grins at the capsule containing the orbs inside while flipping it in the air over and over like a coin.

"Think nothing of it my boy," Mori replies conversationally. "The people of Namek will always be indebted to you and your friends! Still," He leans closer. "I would take better care of those Dragon Balls of yours in the future. Who knows what those thieves might've done with them."

"I'm sure Piccolo's already thinking of ways to lock them up," Gohan assures the current leader of the Namekian's as Porunga dissipates, his service to Earth ended, for now, at least. "I'd stay and chat but we're kind of short on time, we've got an important guest waiting for us back home."

"He's gonna be so excited when I tell him about the Super Saiyan God!" His father exclaims, using one of the three wishes available to them to find out what this new Saiyan form is and how to unlock it. Much to Gohan's chagrin. "C'mon, son! We've gotta break the good news!"

"Dad..." Gohan crosses his hands in a manner similar to Piccolo, giving his father a measured look. "We've talked about this, we're gonna let grandpa and Yamcha try to win the bet first. We can't afford to be reckless this time, not with Beerus."

"It'll be fine!" His father waves a dismissive hand. "These things always work out in the end! Now come on! We don't have much time left!"

With a sigh, Gohan walks over to his father, putting a hand on his shoulder so he can teleport them back to Earth. Unbeknownst to his father, Gohan has a good reason to stay on the cautious side of things this time around. Dende informed him of Videl's pregnancy just after Yamcha talked Beerus down, an amazing and terrifying revelation for him. Mostly terrifying given the current circumstances on Earth, circumstances which will grow worse if his dad gets his way.

 _Sorry dad, but you won't get your way, this time,_ Gohan mentally apologizes to his father for what he'll do to him the second they appear back on Earth just before they vanish into thin air.

* * *

**You can probably tell Gohan becoming aware of Videl's pregnancy wasn't the original intent but given the fact we don't get inside Gohan's head after Beerus calms down, I think I can get away with this little detail. Next time, Yamcha and Ox-King present their dish and the fate of the Earth will finally get decided!**


	6. The Moment of Truth!

"Is the dish ready?" Beerus asks from his folding chair, enjoying a nice cold glass of orange juice with Goten and Trunks blowing cold wind from each side towards him. He directs the question to an anxious Bulma fidgeting in place nearby, her eyes practically glued to the entrance of the building.

"Huh?" She registers his question a few moments too later. "Oh! Oh yeah!" A fake smile graces her features. "They're probably just putting the finishing touches on!"

"You should hope that's the case, for your sake," He chews one of the pieces of ice floating inside the glass. "Even if he does show up with it, I doubt it'll end up as one of the finest dishes I'll ever eat."

"I wouldn't dismiss the possibility so quickly, Lord Beerus," His traveling companion, the peculiar looking humanoid known as Whis walks up to them with a tray of sliced fish. "Ours is a universe of many possibilities after all."

"If I thought it outright impossible, Whis, this planet wouldn't exist anymore," The cat-God says with a disturbingly conversational tone. "Complete dismissal and a healthy dose of skepticism are not the same things."

"All I ask is that you keep an open mind," His companion advises, receiving a barely audible grunt from Beerus as a response.

Bulma barely pays attention to them, opting to stare back at the door on the other side of the pool. She unspokenly agrees wth Beerus' suggestion, to hope their choice to cook so close to the time limit will end up helping out in the moment of truth.

"Hey everybody!" Goku's sudden appearance and yell almost make her heart skip. Snapping her attention to the pool area, she sees him smirking there with the rest of the search party.

She practically runs to the four warriors and leans close to Goku's ear. "Did you find them?"

"Oh we found them alright," Her husband replies with a smug voice and grin to match it. "We stole them right from under Pilaf and his gang of thieves. In fact, they never saw it coming!"

When he all but cackles, Bulma stares at him in disbelief. Particularly because of how anxious this entire situation has made him today. With how pleased he looks right now, you'd never guess that.

"The best part is," Goku looks around, casts a fleeting glance at Beerus behind her then whispers in her ear. "We know how to get a Super Saiyan God!"

At that precise moment, Piccolo's arm goes around Goku's neck, putting him a choke hold. Before he can protest, both Vegeta and even Gohan attack him. His son delivers a quick punch to his gut while her husband elbows him over the head. Without a peep, he falls to the ground with Piccolo snatching a capsule out of the air.

The whole thing leaves her and anyone else observing it, speechless. That is until a distraught Chi-Chi rushes to her unconscious husband, shooting glares at the perpetrators, particularly Gohan.

"Gohan!" She quietly yells at her first born son. "How could you-"

"It's better this way," Gohan says firmly while picking his father off the ground and tossing him over his shoulder. "Believe me, if dad got his way, we'd get into even more trouble. And I can't afford that, not anymore."

Chi-Chi's mouth hangs open at not only for how little of an effect her outrage has on him, but also for how he unflinchingly stares her down. Without another word, he and the others from the search party walk off to put Goku somewhere more comfortable than the cold tiles near the pool area.

Instead of finding relief in the fact the Dragon Balls are back in their hands, the whole display leaves her even more anxious. Not something a woman should feel on her 45th birthday, not that she'll tell the others she's a day over 38.

Just when she sighs in a desperate attempt to relax her nerves, someone else yells nearby. This time, it's Krillin.

"Hey everyone!" He calls out. "Yamcha and Ox-King are coming out!"

Right on cue, the doors of Capsule Crops main building explode open, literally unleashing fire and smoke from the inside out. The clearing smoke reveals a blinding white light on the other side, dazzling and blinding everyone watching it.

Two shadowy figures appear in the middle of this display of light, smoke, and fire. One is a towering behemoth with horns on each side of his head while the other is a smaller yet muscular one. Both take their sweet time emerging from the doorway.

"Will you two hurry up already?!" Bulma yells at them. "We don't have time for your stupid posturing!"

The two men practically jump back from her voice, casting nervous glances at one another before rushing over to Beerus and Whis. To her, and everyone else' shock, they look absolutely worn down. As worn down as Goku and Vegeta are after another one of their life or death battles.

Various kinds of cuts and bruises are visible all over their skin and tattered clothing. Joining these injuries are a multitude of stains, some from food, others from sweat and some of, shockingly enough, blood.

Most shocking of all, though, is Yamcha suddenly sporting a fairly large beard and the Ox-Kings already present one growing several times over, now it reaches down to his waist!

"What did you guys do in there?" Krillin asks Yamcha, equally perplexed by their appearance as everyone else now huddling around them and Beerus' nearby table. "You look like you've been to the Room of Spirit and time!"

"Cooking on this level is pretty intense, Krillin," Yamcha states with the same tone of voice he always uses whenever he's cocky. Something she immediately wants to slap out of him until Ox-King backs him up.

"It's true," The old man confirms. "Cooking presents its own, unique challenges, some quite similar to martial arts, others quite different!"

"Please," Vegeta scoffs at the very notion. "Any clown can do what you've done in under a minute, much less a few hours."

"You're more than welcome to prove that, Vegeta," Ox-King casually challenges him. "After all, there's five minutes left to the deadline."

"Yeah, Vegeta," Yamcha backs him up, ever so smugly. "Go for it! According to you, you'll make half a dozen amazing dishes in five minutes!"

"I quite like the sound of this idea, myself," Beerus thirds the suggestion with an amused smile on his face, melting away Vegeta's confidence instantly. "It can't possibly be worse than your little dance number, after all."

Vegeta tries to keep a neutral expression but Bulma notices the finer details giving away his fright. The small bits of sweat seeping from the edge of his forehead, the small twitch of his right eye and the shallowness of his breathing. A fear which only infects everyone else when the God of Destruction lets out a small yet distinctly malicious laugh.

"Relax, Vegeta," He leans back into the chair. "I won't force you into such a task. Watching you squirm just now was more than enough for me. Back to the matter at hand," He looks at the Earth's finest chefs. "Ready to present your mind blowing dish to me?"

Both of them stiffen upon hearing Beerus address them directly, their expressions become neutral and their arms fall to their sides as they turn to address him.

"Yes, Lord Beerus!" They say in unison with a respectful bow. "We have the dish you so humbly requested!"

She notices Yamcha reach into his pocket and take a capsule out, gently placing it on the table before it vanishes in a puff of smoke. Everyone leans closer and closer to the dissipating cloud, eager and/or fearful of what exactly they've prepared for the God of Destruction.

A moment later, they have their answer: a simple glass, no bigger than a closed fist with a bit of chocolate pudding inside and a tiny spoon with which to eat it.

As she stares at the bowl in stone-faced horror, Bulma remembers all the times she's wanted to smash Yamcha's face in. Either for doing something stupid or reckless or for flirting with other women, it amounts to a fairly long list of near smashings alone. Never mind the times she's actually done it.

But right now, in this very moment? She's seriously thinking about killing him. Ox-King too, Chi-Chi be damned. Although, given the fire practically blazing from the woman's eyes, she may get to her father first.

"Quite an appropriate choice," Whis comments after sucking down on another piece of sliced fish. "The meal responsible for getting you into this mess is what may get you out of it."

"That's kind of what we were going for," Yamcha admits with a small chuckle, seemingly oblivious to the dozen or so people ready to kill him and his cooking partner.

"We thought the irony would amuse you," Ox-King explains further as Beerus takes the bowl into his hand. His tiny nose wrinkles mere inches away from it as he takes the scent of the pudding in. This simple act makes everyone feel even more terrified. Even Vegeta, usually too proud or stubborn to admit fear is all but chewing on his own nails at the back of the gathered group.

"Indeed it does," Beerus confirms with a smile directed at the chefs. "Well, you've made a good first impression, at least, but the true test lies with the actual meal."

He takes the spoon into his hand, making the metaphorical edge everyone's on that much worse. With a simple swipe of his hand, he takes a small chunk out of the pudding and devours it.

His first response to the taste? The vanishing of his pupils followed by the eerie rise of his purple aura...

* * *

**Meanwhile, Sacred World of the Kai**

"Quite a fascinating discovery you've made here," Old Kai admits as he gazes into the crystal ball situated on the ground with his younger, more experienced fellow Kai standing next to him. Together, they gaze into the past of Planet Saiya, during the appearance of the first Super Saiyan many years ago.

"Indeed! According to these images from the past, it seems the original Super Saiyan managed to combine his Great Ape form with that of a Super Saiyan!" Kibito Kai exclaims as images of the golden, towering ape reveal his destruction of the original Saiyan homeworld. "This could hold the key to attaining the power of a Super Saiyan God!"

"Perhaps," Old Kai musses as he witnesses more of the rampage. "Still, this seems to make the user quite violent, if we're to deliver this information to Goku and Vegeta, we must be careful-"

Without warning a pillar of orange, cascading energy pierces from the cloudy sky and smashes into the crystal ball, vaporizing it under the weight of its power. The two Kai's scamper off as the pillar burrows into their planet, creating a tornado effect which nearly sucks them into it.

"What in the world is happening, great ancestor?!" Kibito Kai asks as they dodge the multitude of rocks and trees flying towards them.

"The idiot humans have angered Beerus, that's what!" He curses the inhabitants of Earth. "They've killed us all!"

* * *

**Meanwhile, Sorbet's Ship in space**

"What is the meaning of this, Tagoma?!" Sorbet, the diminutive acting leader of the now leaderless Planet Trade Organization demands from his equally frightened lieutenant. Mere moments after receiving word of a Basian rebellion, a pillar of purple energy caught their ship in a sort of tornado effect, pushing them towards it.

His much taller, usually far more stoic right-hand man can barely stand as their vessel shakes horribly from the energy sucking them in. A look of sheer terror graces his facial features.

"I don't know sir!" He yells just before finally smashing face first into the ground. "I've never seen anything like this!"

"Damn it all!" Sorbet yells, mentally cursing the incompetence of his men. Pressing down on the handle of his chair, he brings up communications with the engineering section. "Mister Free! Get us out of this mess before we're all killed!"

"I cannot do it captain!" The main engineer yells back as the engines explodes all around him. "I don't have the power-"

Suddenly, a loud creaking noise echoes throughout the ship just ahead of it snapping in half. In vain, the soldiers capable of flight and survival in space try to escape but it's useless, the cascading energy is simply far too powerful for any of them. Soon enough, they, along with their vessel are sucked in and promptly erased from existence.

* * *

**Meanwhile, the Moon**

Beerus' energy destroys it.

* * *

**Meanwhile, Earth, Capsule Corp HQ**

Growing up with Goku and the others, Bulma has come to experience the effects of their powers many times. From blowing up entire planetoids to shaking the entire Earth to firing off attacks capable of annihilating suns, she's seen and/or felt it all before.

But this? This is completely different and terrifying in ways she could never have imagined. The weather itself shifts around the pillar of energy unleashed from the screaming Beerus hovering above the pool air.

One moment it's perfectly sunny, then a mass of gray, foreboding clouds gather and unleash a hailstorm on them, a hailstorm which shifts into a snowstorm, then the clouds vanish into naughtiness, replaced by night time before shifting once more into the daylight.

Pieces of rock, water, trees and anything not strong enough to resist the strength of Beerus' energy sucking everything towards is either flies around the pillar or vanishes inside, never to be seen again.

And so the cycle goes on and on with only Beerus' attendant, Whis, standing perfectly still and calm in the midst of this storm with utter ease. Everyone else? They're barely hanging on.

Bulma manages to look around in spite of the gust of wind blasting all around her, all of the fighters capable of flight are in their strongest states, trying desperately to fly opposite of the pillar with all the power they can muster.

In the storm, she catches a glimpse at Yamcha and Ox-King, held by the waist by Gohan and just by looking at their pained expressions, she can't feel mad at them for this. If anything, the looks of sheer disappointment and pain gracing their faces are enough to almost break her heart.

The others are either too furious at themselves for not going with Goku's idea, too angry to care for the duo's failure or too frightened to care about anything but survival.

Yet, just when she's about to resign herself to her fate, the cascade of energy vanishes as though it never happened. What debris still flew across the air comes flying back down, making her ruined backyard seem like the perfect stage for a post-apocalyptic movie.

Beerus descends from the sky, his face obscured by shadows and his entire body as stiff as a statue. She knows everyone's staring at him, she can feel their tension so thickly it's practically become a tangible entity she can touch.

"Humans," He says with a flat voice, his head almost robotically turning in the direction of Yamcha and Ox-King. "Your dish..."

He clenches his fist as his purple aura begins to flare up once again, she feels Vegeta stiffen behind her, no doubt ready to fight.

"... Was delicious..." And with that, he falls face first into the crater with a loud thud, as stiffly as a statue would fall if it got knocked over.

"Congratulation to you two," Whis says with an earnest smile and a small clap of his hands. "I haven't seen Lord Beerus love a dish quite so much in at least 900 years! The fact you've managed to almost literally blow his mind... Simply astounding!"

He tosses the God of Destruction over his shoulder before turning back to address everyone. "On his behalf, I both apologize for interrupting your celebration and thank you for having us! Truly, it's been a wondrous experience!"

He taps his staff against the floor twice before vanishing into a ray of bright, green light in the sky. The last sight of him merely a twinkle in air.

No one says anything initially, they're too busy processing what just happened. The first thing to break the silence is a laugh, a small, timid but genuine laugh. One belonging to Yamcha.

"We did it..." He states in barely above a whisper to Ox-King. "We... actually did it..."

The older man looks at his cooking partner and lets out a heartier laugh. "We did it...!" He leaps back to his feet, causing a small earthquake in the process before punching the air. "WE DID IT!"

On cue, everyone erupts in cheers, joining the two cooks in celebration as their words finally sink in: they did it, they saved the world! The majority of those attending gang up on the two cooks, hoisting them up into the air, with the super humans taking Ox-King, and lifting them both in the air.

"Yamcha! Ox-King! Yamcha! Ox-King! Yamcha! Ox-King!" They cheer with even Piccolo and her own, highly skeptical husband giving the duo genuine smirks of respect and appreciation. Though, they'll be damned before joining the others.

Neither does Bulma, not for any ill will towards them, but right now? She prefers to just watch the happy smiles on their faces, smiles of genuine pride she's only seen a few occasions on the old, retired Ox-King and barely ever on her old friend Yamcha.

"Told you he'd pull through in the end," Master Roshi walks up next to hear, his glasses not masking his own swelling pride at the success of his students. "For any the regrets, those two may have after today, they'll always have this. This victory is theirs and theirs alone, and I wouldn't have it any other way."

"You know something old man?" She smiles at the so-called drunken old man next to her. "Neither would I!"

* * *

**And so, Yamcha and Ox-King successfully saved the world! I originally intended for them to have botched the original dish and just give Beerus regular pudding but once again, that'd be cheapening a genuine victory for a cheap gag and I didn't want to do that, not for these guys.**

**I also never intended on showing the actual process of them cooking the dish. For one, I know fuck all about a side of jack shit about cooking and secondly, their mastery of cooking is so amazing, no writer, least of all me, could ever do it justice by actually showing it.**

**Thus, I'll let you guys imagine it for yourselves! Thank you all for taking the time to read this and please! Check out my other Dragon Ball fanfics! The Goku Black one-shots, the Resurrection F remake or the Future Trunks AU are all there, available for your reading pleasure ;)**


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